


Losing What You Never Gave

by ObsidianRomance



Series: Blood Borne Apocolypse 'Verse [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Apocalypse, M/M, Mpreg, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-23
Updated: 2013-02-23
Packaged: 2017-12-03 09:32:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/696829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObsidianRomance/pseuds/ObsidianRomance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This takes place three months after Blood Borne (which you should probably read first) and Jared and Jensen have to deal with the very real possibility that zombies aren't the only thing that can kill their sick son.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing What You Never Gave

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: HORROR, zombies, gore, cursing, male lactation, postmpreg!Jensen, sick babies, J2 humping  
> Word Count: 9,322  
> Rating: Hard R

After Evan was born, things changed.

They had to.

Instead of traveling through the land of the dead as just Jared and Jensen, they had to become new versions of themselves.  Jared and Jensen were still the same rugged killing machine survivalists they always were, but now they came with parental responsibilities.

In a world catering to holding onto existing life rather than creating it, Evan filled a rare place in their lives.

Unsurprisingly, children had not fared well in the zombie apocalypse, being the first to fall to the wayside.  It made it easier for Jared and Jensen to find supplies for Evan, because most places, in almost every town, had sections of baby products that went untouched.  Jensen never realized that fact before, but now that he has need for said products, it is almost the first thing he looks out for when scoping out a new town.  It used to be bullets.

My, how far he has fallen….

It was a good thing diapers didn’t expire, because at 3 months old, Evan goes through a lot of them.  Finding steady supplies of infant clothes and diapering goods in the towns keeps their son clothed and Jensen keeps him fed.

It is also a good thing that the specific pacifier Evan seems to prefer is sturdy enough not to harden with age.  Jared covets them almost as much as he covets ammo, because in the middle of trying to sneak around the walking corpses, Evan’s shrill cry is the last thing they need.  Those damn pacifiers are better than a bullet.  Evan is a good baby, he might have even been better if his parents weren’t schlepping him all over the country, but he does have a loud cry.  Jared quickly finds that if he isn’t attached to Jensen, plugging his mouth with his favorite pacifier seems to be the safest course of action.  He read somewhere that excessive pacifier use could lead to dental or speech problems but those seem to pale in comparison to the problems they will have if they let the zombies overtake them.  So, if Evan isn’t eating, he is sucking away at his pacifier.  It is the best option either man could come up with.

It worked…for now.  Being so little, Jared and Jensen had taken to carrying Evan in a sling across their chests, keeping him pressed tightly against them so that they could run, jump, and fight without worrying about his little neck.  Usually, he was tucked under their jackets, buttons or zipper undone enough to give him air.  It was just an extra covering of fabric but somehow Jensen felt it was safer.

Jensen thought that fighting with Evan strapped across his chest had the same hindrances as when he was pregnant, only, this time he cares what happened to his son.  He is still bat shit crazy in the risks he takes, but he only takes them when he _knows_ for certain he will come out on top.

Because Jared is better at hand to hand combat, and Jensen is a better shot, Jensen took to being the one carrying Evan a majority of the time.  Still, there are some weaknesses in Jared that only Jensen’s skills can fill, and Evan’s other father does his part as well.

It’s why, when they come to a seemingly abandoned drug store, Jensen winds up being the one to go inside.  Jared has been holding Evan for the last hour and the little boy is asleep.  Waking him to transfer him into Jensen’s arms while Jared scoped out the store isn’t an option.  Evan will scream, regardless of pacifier, the way he always does when he is forced out of sleep and his warm cocoon.  Screaming is bad.  Screaming lets every zombie in the area know that fresh meat is on the table.

Jensen is more valuable, they both know that, because Evan would die without him.  Literally.  There are no baby formulas still safe enough to drink and Jensen is Evan’s only meal ticket.  More often than not, Jared finds himself risking his life for his husband and son without even giving the action a second thought.  The two of them are worth more than one of him.  It makes Jared twitch with apprehension when Jensen decides to go in on his own.  Jared hates the idea but Evan’s fever is getting worse and they need to get something, _anything_ , to at least give them hope in curing him.  Waiting for him to wake up on his own is going to waste precious time they may not have.

They have no idea what is wrong with Evan, he seemed fine a few days ago, but he is hot to the touch and he isn’t acting like himself.  The mere thought makes Jared swear he is crazy because he didn’t think a three month old could act like much of anything, but Evan certainly does.  He is as stubborn and determined as his parents.  But right now, he is a sick baby and Jared and Jensen are faced with losing the little person they never wanted but can’t remember how to live without.

Jensen gives Jared a silent nod to bolster his confidence, grabs one of his husband’s knives from off his hip, and creeps inside

The store’s windows are smashed and destroyed, subjecting most of the contents inside to environmental ruin.  He’s hoping to find something in the rubble of products and prescriptive medicine that is useful for his son’s fever.

There is movement to his left but he expected it, his eyes were trained on that spot as soon as he entered the skeleton of a building.  He pauses to assess the situation before lunging forward and slamming one knife into the zombie’s chest to keep him still, and one to his forehead to short circuit him.  He almost doesn’t have enough time to yank the knives out, task made difficult by the syrupy rotting insides of his target, before another decaying man comes at him from behind.  He ducks out of the way of the snapping jaws but the zombie gets him around the waist and leaves him unbalanced.

They wind up falling to the floor, Jensen rolling over discarded pill bottles and little white tablets that may have once been inside.  He gets on top of the zombie, straddling his hips.  Before he can stab downward, the creature grabs a handful of his shirt fabric and pulls.  Jensen lurches forward, closer to the mouth so desperately trying to taste a chunk of him.  The wave of putrid heat hits his nose and his heart jolts into over drive.  Yanking backwards, the zombie still has his shirt around the collar and continues to pull.  In the end, the creature tears Jensen shirt down the middle but Jensen lands both of his knives in the thing’s head, sending a splattering of blood across his own naked chest and face.  He knows to keep his mouth closed, eyes too, but he keeps exuding pressure on the knives 

He’s covered in blood and gore, but doesn’t have time to focus on it.  The thing under him is thoroughly dead, giving him the safety to move through the rest of the store, if that term even applies to the ruins of the building anymore.

His ears perk up at the sound of Jared’s gunshot, shocked that his husband had to use it in the first place but not overly worried about the outcome of the situation.  When Jared has Evan, he is like a man possessed 

Wanting to make quick work of his task so he can rejoin his partner, he hops over the pharmaceutical counter in one leap.  He and Jared don’t have too much knowledge on medications, but they’ve learned what to look out for, what is valuable in a world where modern medicine is crumbling by the wayside:  fever reducers, amoxicillin, penicillin, anything that can battle an infection not brought on by the dead.  He rips through the already chaotic display of pill bottles, movements becoming frantic as he can’t find anything worth trying on Evan.  Even if he did find something, he has no idea what dose to give a baby, but he and Jared are just going to have to figure it out 

In desperation, he drops to the ground, hands rifling through the pills there in a futile scavenger hunt.  He curses under his breath, finding nothing note worthy, at least nothing he is certain to be safe for he and Jared, let alone Evan.  He realizes Evan is crying, an irritated exhausted type of wail that Jensen has become way to familiar with as of late.  It makes him feel like more of a failure for not finding _something_ in this heap of pills.

Something dark enters his brain, the thought that mixing a handful of whatever is on the floor could be fatal.  It seems like a solution to a lot of the problems he and Jared have faced over the last years.  He supposes it always was an option, but never before had he felt so disheartened to actually give the thought any respect 

Evan cries out again, brining him out of his thought almost as soon as he delved into it.  The fact that Jensen actually entertained the idea of suicide for that brief moment makes the man want to vomit.  That will _never_ be an option for him and Jared.  It isn’t how they play this end game. &nbsp 

On his way out of the store he stabs a zombie in the head without even gracing the creature with a second look.  He’s been keeping his eye on the thing for a while, knew exactly where it was the whole time, he probably could have escaped without even dealing with it.  But, his reflex to destroy it is so strong that his killing move comes across as smooth, practiced, and instinctual.

He yanks the knife free with a brutal tug and lets out a string of frustrated curses as he makes his way towards his husband.

Jared has a gun in one hand, but it is being limply held at his side.  His other hand is trying to get Evan to suckle on his pacifier again, but the baby keeps forcing it out of his mouth, letting out louder cries after each attempt.  Jared’s making cooing sounds but they are pointless, Evan just wants to be miserable.

Surveying the scene, Jensen can see several still corpses littering the area around his husband.  Everything else looks quiet.  It’s unsurprising, the town has two things going for it: it is small and it is set back from any other urbanized area.  Any zombie horde in the place is most likely made up of the town’s meager residence.

“He’s hungry.”  Jensen drops his knives so that he can yank his torn shirt from his body.  In the dimming daylight the blood on his chest looks practically black.

“Jesus Jensen, are you okay?”  Jared has Evan out of his sling carrier and is bouncing the infant over his shoulder as he comes to stand beside his husband.

“I’m fine.”  He practically spits the words out, not frustrated with Jared but disappointed in himself.  “They didn’t have anything for Evan.  Not one fucking thing.”

“Ohh.”  Jared goes silent in thought for a moment.  “We’ll find something.”

“And if we don’t?”

“We’ll find something.”

Evan lets out a scream, face turning red from the effort.

“Here, give him to me.  He’s hungry.” Jensen holds his hands out towards Jared, grabbing onto Evan and settling down on the ground with him.  He sits cross legged against a tree, resting Evan in the crook of his knee momentarily while he wipes at his chest with an alcohol dampened rag.  There is still copious amounts of gore covering him, but he doesn’t need to risk Evan getting a mouthful of it.  Finished with his task, he gets a football hold on his son and brings him up to his chest.

Instead of latching on like usual, Evan just continues to scream.

“Come on Evan.  I know you’re hungry.”  Jensen’s words haven’t turned soft yet.  Jared knows they are heading that way, but he is still angry and hardened from his escapades in the drug store.  Frustration builds and his tone takes on a desperate quality.  “Come on Ev, you hardly ate today.”

“Maybe…maybe he isn’t hungry.”  Jared has no idea what to say that won’t result in Jensen lashing out.  His husband is so far on the edge right now that he is practically losing his grip on rational thought.

“Of course he’s hungry!  He didn’t drink at all a few hours ago.  He doesn’t feel good, it is messing him up.  Hell, I barely want to eat when I am sick.”  Jensen isn’t angry with Jared; he knows his husband knows that fact too.  But he yells all the same – yells because he is angry and because he can.  Any zombie in hearing range is deader than dead and Jensen uses that freedom to vocalize his frustrations.  With another loud curse he shifts Evan before looking down at the distressed baby.  “Come on Evan.  Please?  _Please_?”  The desperation in his voice is tangible.  He knows he is begging and it makes no sense to try to rationalize things with a three month old.  He cracks when Evan still refuses to latch on, rutting his face around blindly instead.  The baby screams, wail becoming a string of choked sods, and Jensen loses it.  “ _Please_ , Evan.”  He looks up at the sky and blinks several times before letting out a choked sob himself.  Subconsciously, he bounces Evan in his arms and starts to hush at him.  “Shh, Evan…come on baby.  It’s okay.  You’re hungry, you’ll feel better if you eat something.  Just try to eat something, baby.  _Please_ Ev.”

Jared watches Jensen transform into someone else.  It has been three months and he is still unsettled by how quickly Jensen can switch roles from ruthless killer to doting parent.  Seeing his husband covered in blood and gore is something he is accustomed to.  Seeing him covered in filth while holding the most precious thing in their lives is something he’ll never get used to.   It isn’t how it should be.  Staring at Jensen now reminds him of just how wrong half of the picture is.  Jared is pretty sure the world was never meant to end up like this, that Evan shouldn’t be growing up like this, but it is all they have and they are going to make do.  He watches Evan refuse to eat after Jensen makes another try and his heart falls.

Jensen catches Jared’s eyes and stares at him.  The green orbs are wet from tears but there is a deadness behind them.  “He’s going to die.”

“He’s not going to die.”  It is a lie but it is all Jared has.  He thinks Evan is heading down that path just as much as Jensen does but he isn’t going to give into the thought.  “I won’t let him die.”

“What choice do we have Jared?  We can’t force him to live.  If he doesn’t eat and his fever keeps getting worse….we….”  Jensen’s voice cracks, betraying his harsh exterior.  “He….”

Jared falls to the ground beside Jensen, drops like a lead weight with similar feelings.  He shucks off his gear and moves so that he is almost sitting behind Jensen.  “I know you’re upset, but he is feeding off of it.  It is just getting him more upset.”  He runs a hand over the baby, stroking his hot cheek with the back of his knuckles.

“I’m upset because he’s upset!”  Jensen yells and Evan responds with a yowl.

Jared furrows his brow.  “I know Jen.  I know.  Just…”  He pauses to wrap Jensen up in his arms from behind, “Maybe we can try to calm down for a minute?  You want to try?”  He nuzzles closer, happy they still fit together so effortlessly after the world changed and took them along with it.  “Just relax for a minute, okay?”

Jensen doesn’t say anything, but he does respond by letting his weight fall back into Jared’s arms.  He keeps Evan cradled to his chest and hushes him again, this time his voice streamlined and focused.  Jensen puts in effort to keep his breathing rhythmic even though his brain is still convinced what he and Jared are trying to do is hopeless.  He feels Jared’s arms snake around him and intertwine with his arms still holding their son so that they are both effectively supporting him.  He keeps it together for the most part, but when he looks down to see Jared smoothing away Evan’s tears his voice goes shaky.  “Shh, Evan, shh.  It’s okay.”

Kissing an unbloodied area behind Jensen’s ear, Jared joins in on the shushing.  Eventually he realizes that Jensen’s breathing has petered out and is calming down.  It has taken a little longer than Jared thought it would, but the end result is the same.  It is slightly shocking, but Evan has stopped crying.

He is still fussing and making noises of unhappiness, but the wailing has stopped.

Without speaking, both men ride the same thought wave and move together so that Evan’s little mouth works over Jensen’s nipple.  They hold their breath, afraid to jinx anything with hope, but let it out as soon as Evan smacks his lips, licks out with his tongue and latches on.

“Thank god.”  Jensen sighs, loud puff of air blowing against Jared’s forearm.  He lets go of the last of his tension and falls completely into Jared’s embrace, closing his eyes as he relishes the feeling of Evan _finally_ eating.  The baby is congested and making little snorting noises as he suckles, but there is no doubt that he is eating.  Jensen can feel him greedily pulling the milk into his mouth, the physical evidence outlining the corners of his lips.

“Good boy, Evan.”  The comment is out of his mouth almost before Jared realizes what he is saying.  It sounds like he is praising a puppy and wonders if Evan will ever know what a puppy is.  They don’t come by many anymore, and it startles him that his son won’t grow up with the promise of cute cuddly baby animals.  Evan makes a gurgle and one of his hands reaches out in his attempt to fill his belly, inadvertently falling on Jared’s hand and curling around his pointer finger.  Jared smiles down at the baby before closing his eyes, burying his nose in his husband’s messy hair and inhaling Jensen’s scent.  Sometimes it is weird to realize that Jensen still smells the same as before because he is so different than _before._   There is the smell of sweat and dirt but, underneath, it is all still _Jensen_ ; it never fails to comfort him.

“I love him.”  Jensen’s voice sounds far away as he watches Evan eat.

Eyes snapping open, Jared hugs Jensen tighter.  “I know Jen.”  Sighing, “I love him too.”  Watching his son root around, big hazel eyes blinking up at him, he realizes just how much he does love Evan.  He also realizes how exhausted the baby looks.  He isn’t pink and chubby like he was when he was born.  He isn’t skinny either, but he looks like his parent’s lifestyle, the world’s lifestyle, is taking a toll on him.  Evan nuzzles up against Jensen’s chest and Jared is struck by the surreality of the image once again.  His husband is covered in the aftermath of death while Evan draws everything he needs to live from Jensen’s body.  Watching Jensen care for their child should be comforting but it just feels wrong.  Evan is too close to blood that could end his life, end his and Jensen’s lives in the process, and it makes Jared’s stomach drop out.  He pulls away from Jensen enough to reach his bag.  Knowing it is a silly gesture, that they will just get dirtied up again in the near future, Jared wets a shirt with water and wipes away the blood splattering Jensen’s upper torso.  Jensen had already cleaned away the blood from where Evan is feeding but the rest is still staring Jared in the face.  In slow sweeping motions, he wipes away the gore, returning his husband’s freckled skin to a safer status.

Jensen tears his eyes away from Evan to watch Jared work.  The tenderness in Jared’s actions is clear and Jensen sighs, leaning his head back to nudge against Jared’s jaw.  It is a weak attempt to show affection but it is all he can muster at the moment.  He is too caught up in feeling grateful that Evan is actually eating.  Still, his brain realizes that his son’s skin is warm to the touch.  The baby’s fever is still a very real obstacle to overcome and he is not sure if there is enough willpower in the world to do so 

It is weird how much he wants to – needs to – find a way to save his son.  He never thought he could love someone more than Jared; even after Evan’s unplanned arrival he still felt that way.  The truth is, it took two weeks of getting to know Evan before he reworked his belief.  As a newborn, his son was demanding, time consuming, and practically a screaming target in his arms.  There was nothing that was ‘good’ about him.  Only, he was so resilient and determined to survive that he wiggled his way into Jensen’s heart.  Jensen stopped reflecting on his life in terms of ‘before Evan’ or ‘after Evan’ and started thinking of it as one of ‘before death took over’ and ‘when he realized life still finds a way to exist’.

Evan made him realize why he and Jared weren’t going to give up.

The baby made things more difficult but he made life more worthwhile as well.  In a world where their relatives are distant painful memories, Evan is a chance to remember what a family is like.

And Jensen loves him completely.

It is why he _can’t_ lose him.  He is pretty sure a piece of him would die in the process.  He knows he has never come so close to giving up as he has since Evan’s survival started to seem dismal.  It isn’t a coincidence.

Evan finishes eating and draws Jensen from his thoughts.  He starts to cry almost immediately and Jensen’s cringing reaction follows seconds later. After a failed attempt at trying to get the baby to latch on again, Jensen pulls the boy up to nuzzle his head and drops a kiss to his temple.  Twisting in Jared’s arms, he presses their son so that Evan is safely nestled over Jared’s shoulder.  “Here.  You take him for a minute, will you?”

Jared takes the baby without questioning it but stares at his husband in confusion.

“I just…I just need a minute.  It’s okay…I’m okay.  Just…”  Jensen pushes himself up and undoes the flannel shirtsleeves tied around his waist.  “I’ll be fine.  You go find someplace for us to stay tonight.  I’ll find you.”

Jared narrows his eyes at his husband, sitting in silence while the man pulls on the long sleeved shirt and makes quick work of the buttons.  “Jen…”  The warning behind Jared’s word is overshadowed by concern.

“I’m fine Jared!”  But he most definitely is not.  He knows he has been snapping at Jared since sunrise and it isn’t fair, but nothing in his world is.  He yanks his backpack from the ground and stomps off to the north, kicking up dust in his wake.

Watching Jensen go, Jared cradles Evan closer.  He is still crying and rubbing his nose along Jared’s shoulder.  Pulling him away, Jared can see that Evan’s eyes look foggy, like his son is somewhere else.  It is more horrifying that anything he’s come in contact with over the last years.  Jensen’s right; Evan is going to die.  With Jensen out of hearing range, Jared crumbles.  He chokes on an inhalation and lets sobs wrack his body.  Bringing Evan back up to nestle in the crook of his neck, Jared’s wet tears bury themselves in Evan’s soft hair.  The blonde fuzz is so much longer now than it was when he was born, and it doesn’t seem fair that Evan’s done all this growing just to give out on his parents.   

Evan is tired.  Jared gets that.  He is tired too 

He wishes they had other options but their life style is the only thing that seems to keep them alive.

There are no other options.  Jared learned to stop daydreaming about them years ago.  Those types of thoughts only lead to heartache and mistakes made from attempting the impossible.

************

Jared found them a place to stay for the night – a relatively safe house which provided enough structure and shelter.  They are on the second floor, of course, but Jensen is restless.

His husband is pacing, double checking spots they both know are zombie-free, and staring out the window.  He’s barely eaten any of the squirrel Jared killed and cooked.

Jensen hasn’t spoken since he rejoined Jared an hour ago.  He’s brooding.

It is only a matter of time before he’ll crack and spill everything in his head to Jared, it always works that way.  But for now, Jared lets Jensen repeat his routine, lets him sit and clean their weapons and inventory their ammo.

Evan is miserable, quiet for less time than he is crying.  It is weird to see their son like this because up until this week they had been lucky, Evan had been a complete angel.

Jared leaves Evan, who he’s been trying to comfort, in the middle of a king size bed and shoulders up with Jensen on the man’s way to pace towards the window.  “Have some more food.”  Offering the bowl of meat towards Jensen, Jared gives a sad smile.

“I already had some.  Thanks.”

“Have some more.”  This time Jared is more pushy.  He shoves the bowl so that Jensen is forced to grab onto it.  “You need it more than me.”

Jensen shoves it back, snorting.  “And I told you that I’ve already had some.”

Jared curls his lip, “Yeah, well, I’m not the one who has to feed Evan.”  He gives Jensen a stare that warns the man not to argue the point anymore, and holds out the bowl again.  It is not an invitation, it is an order.  When Jensen drops the argument, grabs the bowl and actually eats what is left in it, Jared is almost surprised.  He’s not, however, totally shocked Jensen gave up so easily, he’s seen Jensen pick up a habit of doing anything and everything for their son.

Done with the remainder of the meat, Jensen tosses the bowl to the floor and sets to silently pacing again.

Rolling his eyes, Jared sighs.  “You’re welcome.”  The sarcasm is thick but it is more than just a bandage for the hurt he feels because he can’t reach Jensen right now.  Jared knows he has no words to make their situation better so he figures shutting up is the second best alternative.  He goes back to Evan, lies on his side, and curls himself in a protective ‘C’ around the baby’s body.  “Shh, Evan. It’s okay.  Shh.”  He coos the same words he has used all week softly to Evan, brushing his lips over his crown.  “Go to sleep baby, it’s okay.”

But sleep never keeps the monsters – the evil things – out.  It brings them back to life.  It is sad because Jared thinks he would prefer his darkest nightmares to what he’s in now.

************

Jensen shoots up in the bed, sweat trickling down his spine and making his whole body feel clammy.  He braces himself with both hands palm down on the bed and scans wide eyes around the bedroom they are squatting in for the night.  He quickly realizes that nothing in the waking world caused his alarm.

The house is dead silent.  It is secure.

Which means, his dreams are what sent his heart to beating out of his chest and his lungs to rise and fall to the point of hyperventilation 

He looks to his right and sees Jared’s lying beside him.  In the darkness he can tell that he has woken his husband, he can see Jared’s eyes big and dark in the eerie haze before sunrise.  Jared is staring at him, waiting for Jensen to make the first move.  There is an odd stillness in the room, like Jared has been watching him like that for longer than Jensen’s been awake, like he has been waiting for the explosion of movement.

It isn’t often they sleep like this, both men feeling comfortable enough to slip into unconsciousness at the same time without anyone on guard.  But the town is empty, at least for now, and they are both too tired to pretend either one of them wants to spend the night being a lookout for naught.  

Evan is nestled safely between them, each man having curled around his body before falling into sleep.  On instinct, Jensen drops his ear down close to the boy’s mouth to listen for an exhale.

Jared ends up breaking the silence.  “He’s still breathing.”

Letting out a sigh of relief and exhaustion, Jensen pushes up from the bed, knotting both hands in his hair as he paces the small area to the right of the bed.

He feels a million different emotions at the same time and he is having a hard time grabbing onto one wholly.  Covering his face with one hand, Jensen lets out a pained cry.

As soon as the sound reaches Jared’s ears, he is on his feet and crowding Jensen’s space.  They haven’t _really_ talked all night and Jared cannot take it anymore.  He isn’t prepared for Jensen’s next move and it takes his breath away when Jensen grabs him and shoves him belly down against the wall.  “Jen!”  He lets out a huff and his eyes go wide when Jensen crashes against him, destroying any negative space between their bodies.

“Shh, Jay.”  Jensen buries his nose in the heat of Jared’s neck and snorts out a long breath.  “I…”  He chokes on a sob before biting his lip and squeezing his eyes closed.  “I need to feel you.  To make sure you aren’t going to go away too.  I need….”  A cry breaks his sentence at the same time it breaks Jared’s heart.  “I need you Jared.”

Jared swallows hard, cheek rubbing uncomfortably against the decaying wall hangings.  He has no idea where to start or what to say in response to Jensen breaking down and exposing so much vulnerability.  He feels Jensen rutting into him, pressing closer and holding tight.  Their movements are rough but it is a testament to how intensely Jensen needs this moment.

With a twist and a shimmy, Jared flips around in Jensen’s hold so that they are breathing the same air.  “I’m not going away Jensen.  Never.”  He nudges Jensen’s jaw with his own, frowning at the hurt puppy noises that are uncharacteristically coming out of his husband’s mouth.

Jensen gets a feral look in his eyes and presses a harsh kiss to Jared’s lips but a choked sob breaks them apart; he has a hard time getting enough air for his breathing to sound regulated.  “I don’t want to lose Evan.  Maybe I deserve to…for wishing he never existed while I was pregnant with him…but I don’t want him to die…not this way.”

Jared has nothing to say.  He feels the same way and he knows Jensen can read him like a book.  He doesn’t need to talk to let his husband know they are on the same page.  He goes to speak but Jensen cuts him off before he gets a word in.

“And then if I lost you too?  I couldn’t…I…”  He pulls his face away from Jared’s and looks to the side of the room before he squeezes his eyes together to hold back the tears.  “I can’t….I don’t….”

Hands finding their way to Jensen’s scruffy face, Jared pulls the man so that he is forced to look him dead in the eye.  “You won’t lose me.  Not yet.  I worry about the same things with you, but it’s not going to happen.”  Dropping one hand, Jared grabs Jensen’s hand and presses his husband’s palm against his chest, right over his heart.  “I’m here.  I’m real.”  Letting out a sob himself, he catches Jensen’s lips in a kiss, lingering in the connection before breaking away.  “ _This_ is real.  I’m not going anywhere.”

Jensen interlaces their fingers over the spot where he can feel Jared’s heartbeat.  The room is dark and desolate but none of that matters.  Jensen has Jared under his weight and he needs that right now, needs to feel that they are both still alive, that they are still willing to die for each other.

With the prospect of death so threateningly close to their lives, Jensen needs to know that being alive is the right choice.

Keeping their fingers tied together, Jensen quickly yanks at the fasteners of Jared’s pants.  Jared gets the hint and does the same with Jensen’s.  Their movements are sloppy and forceful, punctuated by outbursts of exhalation as they tug and paw at each other.

Jared moans when Jensen gets a hand wrapped around his dick, but it is swallowed up by Jensen’s mouth before the sound is lost in the empty room.

Their hands and tongues move in the same manner, all greedy movements and warring for dominance 

Jensen bites down on Jared’s lip and Jared yelps but he only melts more completely into Jensen’s hold.

They both refuse to put any distance between their bodies, keeping as close as they possibly can while simultaneously jerking each other off.  It makes it difficult, knuckles bumping against knuckles, and eventually they give up and hump into one another, feeling the hot slide of their lengths against each other’s body.

Jensen bucks his hips and holds tight to Jared’s hand, keeping the very _real_ connection.  “I love you.”  His voice is hoarse and holds every ounce of desperation Jensen feels in the moment.  “I need you.”  Licking his lips, he shivers.  “Sometimes I need to know that not giving up is the right thing to do.  Because…it seems so much easier.”  Jensen’s movements get rougher, more intense, and he holds onto Jared like a life preserver.

The reveal sends a shot of adrenaline through Jared’s veins.  He’s never heard Jensen admit to losing so much drive and determination.  He knows it is probably just a momentary weakness, Jensen is far too stubborn to ever truthfully think giving up is the best option.  Jared attacks Jensen’s neck, sucking it and making the man make sounds he hasn’t heard in _months_.  He wishes they could stay like this, loving each other, forever.  “We’ll figure it out Jen.”  He swoons for a minute when Jensen brushes up against him in just the right away.  They have both been too preoccupied with other – Evan – things lately and Jared knows they won’t last long.  He already feels his orgasm making him go silly.  Holding onto the last constraints of rational thought, he pulls away enough to look Jensen in the eye.  “Never doubt that this is worth it.”  Arching his back so that he can press up into Jensen, he strengthens their connection.  “Never doubt that _this_ is real or that I love you.”

The words go straight to Jensen’s gut.  He needed to hear them despite the fact that he knew them already.  “Fuck!”  Jensen lets out a cry as waves of emotions tear at him and leave him out in the open for Jared to deal with.  He kisses Jared like he needs the man’s lips more than anything, more than air, guns, ammo,  _everything._

Jared pins their interlaced hands above his head but sneaks his free hand between them to wrap around both their dicks, pressing their hardness’ together with rough jerks.

In the end, neither man knows who comes first.  They both fill the room with needy pants and gasps as they unravel and spill hot streams of come against their exposed abdomens.

Jensen loses his tight hold on Jared, giving up all control and surrendering to his husband.  He’s still sobbing, but it is different.  The need is gone and all he is left with is the worry that what they have can one day be taken away.  He doesn’t like to believe that, but even if they feel immortal when they are together it doesn’t mean they actually are.

He’s crying again, slumping to the floor with Jared hot on his heels.  He technically still hasn’t spoken to Jared all night, but he doesn’t have to.  His actions said it all.  Words could never be so powerful.

And if Jared has a problem with it, he doesn’t say a peep as he wraps himself around Jensen and stays there for the remainder of the night.

************

Evan is still hanging in there by afternoon of the next day.

Jensen has him sleeping against his chest, one arm supporting the baby and the other manning his Beretta.

They are going through the carcass of a town, trying to figure out if they have anymore survival options before moving on again.

Truthfully, Jared has never wanted to stay in one place more.

One benefit of the town being one of the farthest away from urbanized civilization is that it has been practically left untouched by humans or zombies.  Nature, however, has taken a toll on practically every structure, leaving them to mirror the ragged corpses Jared and Jensen encountered on their arrival.

Still, the town is looking pretty safe so far.  And with Evan so unpredictable as of late, neither man wants to chance him crying the whole day through and alerting every zombie of their presence.

For now, it is safer here.  Evan can cry all he wants, the worst it can do is break his parents’ hearts.

Jared makes a silent signal with a jerk of his head and Jensen keeps his gun trained on the door his husband is busy picking the lock on.

They could easily just break down the door but they’ve learned the value of a sturdy locked barricade 

The sounds behind the door already clued them into the fact that there is more than one _thing_ in there.

As soon as Jared gets the lock done and pushes the door open, Jensen acts in one fluid chain of movement.  Before Jared can even raise his crossbow, Jensen swings his gun towards the corpse in the doorway.  Both hands act at the same time, his gun going off a second after his other hand pressed firmly over Evan’s ear.  He has the little boy’s right ear pressed flat against his chest and he hopes his swift movement to cover the other one is a feasible attempt to protect Evan’s hearing.  Swinging out of the way, he lets the zombie drop to the ground, his perfect shot annihilating him.

Jared is one second behind him, shooting an arrow through the leathery remains of a woman.  Her head practically explodes on impact, splattering the wall beside her with all sorts of unnatural blood.

The two corpses look like well made Halloween decorations, they are skinny and contained by dark taut dried out skin.  Jensen thinks they have been this way for a long, long, _long_ time, maybe were even some of the first infected.

Years ago, the thought of the two people dying alone in forgotten room while the world fell to shit would sadden Jensen.  Now he thinks it is sort of romantic.  At least they went together.

It’s still not an exit Jensen would choose.  But it only takes one look at the room to see that the corpse couple gave it their best shot.

The room is in complete disarray, but there are guns everywhere.  Bullets too.

They’ve stumbled upon a mini-arsenal.

Jensen hangs back in the doorway while Jared checks out the rest of the room.

The room is clear, making the whole house a safe zone for now.  Jensen strips the sheets off the room’s old bed and lays his child, who is somehow still sleeping, in the middle of it.  He doesn’t need words to let Jared know he thinks this is where they should bunker down for the night.

Jared simply nods and disappears into the small bathroom at the edge of the room.  Jensen can hear him digging through cabinets, the crash of a bottle on the tile floor echoing through the silent room.

Leaving Jared to his task, Jensen drags the two seriously dead bodies out of the house.

Just because he’s gotten used to living around the undead doesn’t mean he’s gotten used to sleeping beside them.  He has standards.

When he returns from his second trip, Jensen finds Jared sitting on the bed, contemplating something he is rolling around in his hands.

“Do you know what this is?”  Jared flashes the bottle towards his husband.

Jensen reads the bottle and his mind draws a blank.  “Paracetamol?”

“It’s acetaminophen, essentially.”  Jared shakes the bottle and pills dance against the plastic.  “Acetaminophen lowers…”

“…fevers.”  Jensen sucks in his lip.  Time feels like it stopped but his heart is beating too fast for that to be true.

“Yeah….”  Jared drops the pills to the bed and pulls Evan onto his lap, sprawling the baby out on his back over the length of his thighs.  “Get some water, I think maybe we can dissolve the pills so we can get some medicine into Evan.”  He shakes the pill bottle again.

Jensen moves without consciously thinking.  His hands are digging through his backpack, pulling out a canteen, but his eyes are on Jared and his son.  “But how do you know how much to give him?”

“I don’t.”  Jared unscrews the bottle and lets a pill fall into his palm.  “But does that really matter at this point?”  He stares at Jensen for a moment before snatching the canteen and using the cap, filled with water, to dissolve the pill in.

Coming to sit on the bed beside his husband, Jensen knows Jared is right.  It doesn’t matter at this point.  Evan is going to die for sure if they don’t try something.  His little body cannot hold its own against the fever.  He’s been drinking less and less every day, and they need to figure out a way to get him back on track before he is too far gone.

When Jared tries to pour some of the liquid down Evan’s throat, Jensen helping to prop him up enough, the baby screams.

He fights his fathers but, in the end, they get some of the liquid down his throat.  It isn’t a lot, but it is something.

Jensen shushes him and Evan is too exhausted to put up much of a fight.  He snuggles into Jensen’s arms and goes into a fever sleep.

He sleeps until Jared is waking him up again, pouring more liquid down his throat and sending him into a crying fit.

Jensen lets Jared take care of medicating their son.  It is probably safer that way.  Because, his hands are shaking and he’s not the one holding a capful of something that could potentially save a life.

He sets to pacing the room.  Wearing a track in the floor is something he’s become skilled at over the last three months.

*****************

After one day of Evan’s new medicine ritual, the boy seems pretty much the same.

This is okay, because it means he isn’t worse.

The men take turns sitting up with him, but mostly they fall into conversation.  With no time schedule and nothing but each other, it is oddly similar to when they spent summers together during college.

They have absolutely _nothing_ to do.

Aside from the whole ‘saving their dying son’ issue and ‘battling hordes of the undead’, they have no agenda.

It feels weird to stay in one place for so long.  They haven’t done that since the night Evan was born, and even then there were still zombies to kill.

Jensen gives Jared a break and actually goes out to kill _something_ for lunch.  He knows Jared is a better hunter but he needs to do something or he is going to go crazy.  He didn’t do too badly because even though opossum isn’t his favorite meal, it has enough meat to feed them for the time being.

The rest of the day is uneventful, and when they finally fall asleep it is with Evan sheltered between them, both men facing each other in the darkness.

If Jensen tries _really_ hard, he can pretend they are in their own house.  He can pretend Evan’s fever is just a normal part of growing up, not a death sentence.

He can pretend that they are just a normal family who are letting their baby sleep in their bed ‘just this one time’.

Jared must have been thinking it too, because they instinctively move closer, Jared draping a hand over his son and Jensen’s hip.  Jensen does the same.

They don’t think they can fall asleep like that, so unguarded and intertwined, but before Jensen knows it, he is blinking his eyes open to daylight.  It is the type of daylight that means it has been there a while.

He’s been sleeping for hours.

It is the best sleep he has gotten in years.  He feels rested and relaxed but the moment he remembers where he is, when he is, the feeling is gone.

He looks to his side and finds Jared has disappeared.  The crossbow his husband left propped against the wall is gone too, which actually makes him feel relieved.  Jared is fine if he has that.

A baby babble draws his attention and he looks down at Evan.

Evan is staring directly at him, truly staring.  He blinks several times, shakes his hands in Jensen’s direction, and yawns.  He goes back to blowing spit bubbles and Jensen can’t take his eyes off of him.  Evan lets out a soft coo and then smiles – fucking smiles – at Jensen.

“Holy shit…”  Jensen runs a hand over Evan’s cheek.  The boy is still a little warm, but nowhere near as hot as he was running last night.

Evan coos again and grabs onto Jensen’s hand, almost shaking it with his jerky muscle movement.

“Hey Ev, good morning baby.”  Jensen drops his head so he can kiss Evan’s cooler forehead.  He lies there, breathing Evan in and nuzzling his baby fine hair.  For the first time he lets himself think that maybe Evan won’t die.

Evan smacks his lips in the way he always does when he is hungry and Jensen moves instinctively.  He lays on his side and scoots Evan closer, turning the baby so that he can latch on if he feels like making the effort.  Then he is hit with the through that _Evan is actually hungry_ and he lets out a laugh.  Evan is acting like Evan again.

Jensen laughs again when Evan does latch on, pulling at Jensen’s nipple and making impatient hungry noises.  Evan’s hands fist the air near Jensen’s chest and he suckles noisily for the next few minutes, only breaking contact once to latch on better.

Evan’s got this, but Jensen still holds the baby firmly against his side.  His son is hungry and Evan doesn’t seem like he will let anyone get in the way of his meal but Jensen _needs_ to hold him close.  He _needs_ to make sure Evan isn’t going anywhere.  He feels silly for ever doubting the fact that Evan is just as determined to survive as he and Jared are.  His son has proven that with his very existence.

When Jensen hears noise at the doorway, he knows from the footfalls that it is Jared.  Straining to look over his shoulder, he smiles.  “Guess who’s up?”

Jared takes a step into the room and puts the pot in his hand on the floor, its existence much less important than Evan’s.  He doesn’t say anything, but he takes a sharp inhale of breath when he sees Evan nursing at Jensen’s side.  “Ohh…Jen….”

“Yeah.”  Jensen smiles and brushes Evan’s hair to one side.  “He’s starving.”  Wincing briefly, he rolls onto his back and pushes himself into a sitting position, scooping Evan along with him.  “He’s killing me right now, but I don’t give a shit.”

“He’s that hungry, huh?”  Jared put his palm to Evan’s back.

Nodding, Jensen shifts Evan to the other side.  The baby squalls in protest but is silenced as soon as his mouth finds Jensen’s other nipple.  In an instant, Evan picks up his greedy suckling again, complete with happy noises his parents have never been so relieved to hear.  It is enough to make Jensen close his eyes and relax into the moment.

Jared swallows and gives a crazy smile.  Watching his husband feed their son is something he never expected to see in this world, and the nurturing gesture still looks out of character for Jensen, but the fierce protectiveness doesn’t.  It is absolutely everything Jared’s ever wanted and is lucky enough to have found in his hellhole or a planet.  Rubbing Evan’s naked back, Jared lets out a relieved laugh.  “His fever broke.”

“Mmm Hmm.&rdquo 

Jared crawls up the length of the bed and sits in silence, watching his son eat.  Eventually, Evan peeks an eye open at him and Jared revels in the fact that it doesn’t look like his son is living in a fog.

Eventually, Jensen passes Evan off to Jared, nose twitching at a smell he should have noticed earlier.  “Did you cook?”

“Umm...yeah.  I didn’t know what else to do with myself and I didn’t want to wake you.”  Jared shifts Evan over his shoulder and rubs circles across his back.  “I killed a raccoon and there were a few spices in the kitchen that seemed fresh enough.  Oh, and there was a garden out back.  There isn’t much too it and it is overgrown but there were some root vegetables and tomatoes.  I just tossed a bunch of things in a pot.”  Jared quirks his lips as he watches Jensen make the small trip to where he left the pot, grabbing it before returning to the bed.  “Vegetables, Jen.  Fresh ones.  We haven’t really had those in years.”

Jensen pokes at the concoction with the fork Jared left in the pot.  It doesn’t look like anything much but he eats a forkful.  Years ago he would have thought it was disgusting, but right now it is the best damn thing he has eaten in a long time.  “It’s good.”

Jared smiles at his husband’s words.  “Eat it all.  I have more.  I think you went on a hunger strike along with Evan this past week.”

Jensen doesn’t need to be told twice.  He polishes off the meal, licking the fork thoroughly before licking his lips and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.  The morning felt like an extension of the thoughts he drifted off to sleep to.  Aside from the fact that they are eating raccoon and the house they are ‘living’ in is in disarray, the morning feels normal.

Picking up on Jensen’s thoughts, Jared chimes in.  “We could do _this_ Jensen.  We could.  Me and you and Evan.  We could fix up a place like this, figure out how to grow more vegetables or at least fine tune the ones already growing.”

Jensen has no idea how to stay in one place for more than a few days, he lost that ability when he shot his mother in the head.  He’s been running ever since and, other than Jared, it is the only thing that has remained a constant in his life.  But Jared is right.  Maybe they could stay here, forgotten survivors in a forgotten town.

“Jay, I don’t know…”

Jared rests his head against Evan’s.  “I know…there is a lot to think about.  But I think we could do this.  I think we have to.  Evan is okay now, but what if he can’t handle the moving around a little more down the road when we can’t just strap him to our backs?”

Jared’s thought was one they both had in the back of their minds.  A baby is fairly portable.  A toddler could be too…but a five year old wasn’t as easy.

“Yeah, maybe.”  Jensen puts the pot down and gives Jared’s thigh a reassuring squeeze.

It wasn’t a yes, but it wasn’t a no.  For the rest of the week they stay in the house, letting Evan recover and build back up to his lively self 

Within a few days he is thriving, eating like a champ and ‘talking’ to his parents.  He is happy.

Jared can’t remember what on earth there is to be happy about in their lives, but watching Evan smile reminds him.

Life becomes relatively simple.  It is almost like they have taken a step back towards the way their lives used to be, only with the addition of their son.

The fragile dream world Jensen and Jared are living in falls to pieces a week later when they are out scouting for supplies for Evan.  They had taken to going out on their own, but today they stick together, venturing into town with Evan strapped happily in his sling against Jensen’s chest.

Rounding the corner, they get a visual on a horde of zombies ambling their way directly towards the town they’ve started to call home.  They are far enough away that Jensen knew they have time, but there are too many of them to take down with only their four hands.

“Shit.”  Jensen kicks a rock in frustration.  He had finally gotten used to staying in one place, was almost attached to the idea.  He should have known nothing in his life lasted for long.

“It’s okay Jen.”  Jared puts a calming hand to Jensen’s back.  He is just as frustrated as the other man, but he knows there is little point in dwelling in the frustration.  It doesn’t solve anything.

Jensen stands, watching the horde in silence, face contorting and getting stuck between his conflicting emotions.  It is yet again an example of how their life didn’t seem fair.  Evan gurgles and reminds him that they don’t have much, and maybe their life isn’t fair, but they have more than most.  Where they lay their heads doesn’t matter, as long as it is the three of them together.

“Come on Jen, we’ve got to go.”  Jared shoulders his crossbow and tugs at Jensen’s elbow.  “Come on babe.”

Nodding silently, Jensen takes off in a sprint towards ‘their’ house.  Packing up quickly is routine for them, but since they have been there so long it is slow going.  They grab their weapons, some new guns, tons of ammo and the acetaminophen.

On the way out, Jared stocks a bag with as many vegetables as he thinks will keep fresh until eating.

They know the herd of zombies is closer, can hear their pained groans and nonsense.

Spinning around, Jensen gives their temporary home one last look, sadness tugging at his gut, before securing Evan and breaking out into a run, heading back south.  Jared is right beside him, face set and determined.

Maybe their brief attempt at staying in one place wasn’t without purpose.  It taught them their flight could have a purpose, that their lives were worth the fight.  It taught them there was more to their existence than running.

There would be other towns, more isolated ones 

They were out there 

And Jensen knew they would find them.


End file.
